Is that morbid? If you send an undeliverable message, at least on Yahoo!, you will get a reply from the “Mailer Daemon”. I half-expected that to happen, but evidently the account is still taking incoming mail. I missed my Dad so much, and needed so badly to talk to him about the emotional and logistical cataracts and white water that my life has become. It was pretty raw, I wanted to engage and at some point, in my mind’s eye the intended recipient grew blurry, and it was unclear if I was writing an FYI/lamentation to my deceased father, or a prayer of supplication to my Father In Heaven. it did me a lot of good, get get some things out onto paper, if only the virtual kind. I cannot over-endorse the benefits of writing down thoughts for the severely attention deficit. Hopefully, Dad’s widow, Rosemary doesn’t check the account, or she may feel the need to send the Men in White Coats, but I figure the probability of that is low. CyberSpace has never had any attraction for her.
Archive for the father Category
I emailed the dead yesterday.
Posted in Dad, Dealing with Grief, father, Life, pain, prayer, writing with tags catharsis, Dad, Dealing with Grief, father, Life, pain, prayer, writing on August 25, 2008 by ChrisI emailed the dead yesterday.
Posted in Dad, Dealing with Grief, father, Life, pain, prayer, writing with tags catharsis, Dad, Dealing with Grief, father, Life, pain, prayer, writing on August 25, 2008 by Chris
Is that morbid? If you send an undeliverable message, at least on Yahoo!, you will get a reply from the “Mailer Daemon”. I half-expected that to happen, but evidently the account is still taking incoming mail. I missed my Dad so much, and needed so badly to talk to him about the emotional and logistical cataracts and white water that my life has become. It was pretty raw, I wanted to engage and at some point, in my mind’s eye the intended recipient grew blurry, and it was unclear if I was writing an FYI/lamentation to my deceased father, or a prayer of supplication to my Father In Heaven. it did me a lot of good, get get some things out onto paper, if only the virtual kind. I cannot over-endorse the benefits of writing down thoughts for the severely attention deficit. Hopefully, Dad’s widow, Rosemary doesn’t check the account, or she may feel the need to send the Men in White Coats, but I figure the probability of that is low. CyberSpace has never had any attraction for her.
Inertia
Posted in Dad, Dealing with Grief, death, divorce, father, Grace, grief, Life, pain, shit with tags Dad, Dealing with Grief, death, divorce, father, Grace, grief, Life, pain, shit on May 19, 2008 by Chris
I can’t seem to move, really. I can wander from room to room, but purpose escapes me. I stumble across memories…How could I have expected to begin functioning today? I know I scheduled an appointment, but I cannot for the life of me find the data, location, time. I feel worse. and different, and disconnected than ever before. I’m not drinking enough water. The task of programming the coffee pot taxes my intellect. I feel my lower back degenerating as I neglect my physical therapy. Prayer seems a joke. I could sit here all day. I would read my bible, but to reach for it would require some strange effort that feels foreign to me, I cannot muster up the energy to even engage in self destructive behavior. lol. It’s a long walk to the toothbrush. I can’t unpack a box, clean my vehicle, run a vacuum. activate spellcheck. Log in to check my financial aid. find a pair of socks. decide how to end my post
Denied Prayer
Posted in Dad, Dealing with Grief, death, father, God, Grace, Jesus, pain, prayer, shit, whining, writing with tags Dad, Dealing with Grief, death, father, God, Grace, Jesus, pain, prayer, scripture, shit, tired, whining, writing on May 13, 2008 by Chris
He died. It is likely that after 16 minutes of CPR he would have not been himself if he had recovered. It is hard to sort through my feelings. There is bitter disappointment, lonliness, an inarticulate longing for closeness and love. It is strange. I am loved much, and greatly, by many people, but my inner emptiness resounds within my soul…ebbs and flows, retreating when I feel like another moment would be my undoing. I find another hour has passed. I was a failure as a son and as a man for much of our relationship, but by God’s Grace, a bridge had been rebuilt and my father knew many of my regrets, and freely forgave me.
I harbor no resentment at the Ancient Of Days, He administers the universe as he sees fit, and some time ago I surrendered, and said “let Him do to me as seems good to Him”. I may complain, question, even wallow in childish petulance, but I know I have no where else to turn. When things were inconvenient, and difficult to understand Peter said “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life”
thinking to much
Posted in father, God, Grace, Life, religion, Theology, whining with tags Children, father, God, Grace, hypocrisy, judgemental, Life, love, religion, scripture, Theology, whining on March 11, 2008 by Chris
The mystical prescence of the holy spirit is supposed to lead me to understanding,and knowledge? love builds up but knowledge puffs up? Where do denial and delusions of grandeur fit into the picture, and how do I distinguish them from faith? It seems there is a difference between faith of the heart and faith in action, though to be sure either can stimulate the other. Papa, men who witnessed the raising of the dead and heard your audible voice abandoned your son, and even apostolic power was no cure for hypocrisy. What hope is there for me? and why is this life considered by so many to be a vital leg in the process of conformity to Christ when all observation shows us that the human resemblance to Christ’s Character is fleeting and infinitesimal? Or is it? lol. we see things that we admire in others often and your word teaches us that our own righteousness is laughable to you. perhaps the perspective to have is a (as far as humanly possible) constant awareness of the need for repentance and and a grateful acceptance of the perpetually renewed clean slate? How many questions is too many? Is there no end to your paradox?
If you want us to know you, could you have not made us smarter?
Dreams…I am really not a "the LORD showed me in a dream" kinda guy
Posted in father, God, Grace, Theology with tags awakening, Dreams, father, God, Grace, kentuckey, Theology on February 26, 2008 by Chrisearly monday morning, I dreamed that my wife and I were in a bar in (presumably) Newport, Ky. on thanksgiving evening. As is characteristic of my dreams some things are instictive and some things are vague awarenesses. There were some family members there, on my (wife’s side) and I also remember that one of our waitresses had let slip some personal details in her life, about a certain situation, (Icouldn’t tell you what) and we were rooting for her desirable outcome. also, this waitress was evidently on probation, after making some mistakes at work. We left the bar, having ate thanksgiving dinner there, and proceeded to virginia highlands, to an old house that I used to live in about 15 years before actually met my wife. Somehow in the dream, it was where we were spending the night. We headed north to get to this house that was actually some 400 miles to the south, and strangely, my wife an i were driving different vehicles( this is almost never the case). I missed my turn to get off the interstate, and ended up attempting to take another exit ramp which turned out to be a drawbridge across the Ohio River. suddenly I was on a bicycle and had to actually bump against a barrier that then retracted allowing me access to the drawbridge. Unlike the drawbridges of reality (as far as I know) this one was made up of several sections that came apart in consecutive order. some how I got behind in my progress and was forced to jump/leap/swim from one section to the other while dragging my bicycle. Though not in a state of panic, I was aware that this was an emergency situation, that to fail to make it across this river would not be good. I did succeed, and arrived on the other bank at a bike shop (go figure!). I went in to use the phone, since bicycling home at this point was not an option. As I explained that I had just crossed the drawbridge with a bicycle, and that I was broke and needed to use the phone, The attendant offerred to repair my bike at no charge. This was very convenient, since my bike had come through the turbulent river crossing without wheels as I was waiting for the bike to be repaired an amputee came in with some gold carvings and suddenly my bike shop was also a pawnshop. several other things happened but what was most interesting was that I drifted in and out of deeper sleep and at one point wished fervently for an Interpretation. I then felt as though God revealed that the river represented tobacco addiction, and the drawbridge represented the multiple failed attempts to become nicotine free. The the bicycle was of course the vehicle through this life, and the wheels represent my health I feel today that God gave me a conditional promise to restore my health/and or lungs (I have many other health issues) if I quit. so there. I hope this post hasn’t become two wacky or mystical.
An analogy of grace
Posted in father, God, Grace, Theology with tags David, father, God, Grace, scripture, Theology on February 24, 2008 by Chris
I have been reading The Grace Awakening by Chuck Swindoll, instead of studying my Bible as much as I should (thank God for grace, lol), and he paints a wonderful picture of God’s grace in the story of David seeking out a random descendant of Jonathan’s family who he can shower with kindness, simply for the sake of his deep, unconditional love of Jonathan. Swindoll finds “no fewer than eight” points of comparison (pg. 63)
- Mephibosheth once enjoyed fellowship with his father, as did Adam and Eve
- When disaster struck, it left permanent crippling in it’s wake
- The King, for the sake of his beloved, sought out anyone upon which he could shower unconditional grace
- The cripple did nothing, did not even seek the blessing.
- The cripple was restored from a miserable existence, to a place of blessing and honor (though, he was still lame)
- The undeserving was adopted into the royal family.
- The crippling limp was a constant reminder of grace recieved
- When seated at the table, the adopted son was treated indistinguishably like family.
A thought or two occurred to me
- The King sought the recipient of grace by commisioning his servant. This is inarguable, to me
- The servant, Ziba was less than enthusiatic ?(Swindoll acknowledges this though it is not included in his analogy…and I might add, it is an opinion, and I disagree. scripture seems neutral, though intuitively, culture and human nature encourages us to discount those less priveledged than ourselves, both then and now.) as I read the story, the servant of David is much too aware of his place to seem anything but neutral…unlike the servants of Jesus (many denominations and individuals come to mind) who are much to busy being blessed to tolerate the prescence of someone at the table who is morally “lame”.
- The servant’s task is simply to bring the cripple into the King’s prescence, It is the king himself, Who makes it clear that there is nothing to fear, and the blessing that flows, is beyond Ziba, or Mephibosheth’s ablitiy to affect. I do not get the sense that Mephibosheth must “Accept the free gift of Grace, or be cast into the outer darkness”. He acknowleges it, in fear and trembling, and puzzlement. (And he boweth himself, and saith, ‘What is thy servant, that thou hast turned unto the dead dog—such as I?’ 2 Sam 9;8 ) after all, people in his position are traditionally put to death. I personally see David as blessing Mephibosheth regardless, so where does that leave us? Has the analogy broken down, as they all do, eventually? or Is the Doctrine of Minimal Entrance Requirement yet another heresy perpetuated my the modern pharisee?
Here is the passage:
2 Samuel 9
1And David saith, ‘Is there yet any left to the house of Saul, and I do with him kindness because of Jonathan?’ 2And the house of Saul hath a servant, and his name is Ziba, and they call for him unto David; and the king saith unto him, ‘Art thou Ziba?’ and he saith, ‘Thy servant.’
3And the king saith, ‘Is there not yet a man to the house of Saul, and I do with him the kindness of God?’ And Ziba saith unto the king, ‘Jonathan hath yet a son—lame.’ 4And the king saith to him, ‘Where is he?’ and Ziba saith unto the king, ‘Lo, he is in the house of Machir, son of Ammiel, in Lo-Debar.’
5And king David sendeth, and taketh him out of the house of Machir son of Ammiel, of Lo-Debar, 6and Mephibosheth son of Jonathan, son of Saul, cometh unto David, and falleth on his face, and doth obeisance, and David saith, ‘Mephibosheth;’ and he saith, ‘Lo, thy servant.’
7And David saith to him, ‘Be not afraid; for I certainly do with thee kindness because of Jonathan thy father, and have given back to thee all the field of Saul thy father, and thou dost eat bread at my table continually.’ 8And he boweth himself, and saith, ‘What is thy servant, that thou hast turned unto the dead dog—such as I?’
9And the king calleth unto Ziba servant of Saul, and saith unto him, ‘All that was to Saul and to all his house, I have given to the son of thy lord, 10and thou hast served for him the land, thou and thy sons, and thy servants, and hast brought in, and there hath been to the son of thy lord bread, and he hath eaten it; and Mephibosheth son of thy lord doth eat continually bread at my table;’ and Ziba hath fifteen sons and twenty servants.
11And Ziba saith unto the king, ‘According to all that my lord the king commandeth his servant, so doth thy servant;’ as to Mephibosheth, ‘he is eating at my table (saith the king) as one of the sons of the king.’ 12And Mephibosheth hath a young son, and his name is Micha, and every one dwelling in the house of Ziba are servants to Mephibosheth. 13And Mephibosheth is dwelling in Jerusalem, for at the table of the king he is eating continually, and he is lame of his two feet.
Young’s Literal Translation
I Thirst 